THEN AND NOW

A – again –
B – blank –
C – create –
D – daring –
E – end –
F – fires –
G – gossamer –
H – holiday –
I – independent –
J – jar –
K – kite –
L – listen –
M – master –
N – neglect –
O – opinion –
P – play –
Q – quarrel –
R – restore –
S – sandy –
T – torture –
U – understand –
V – value –
W – wander –
X – xeric –
Y – yesterday –
Z – zap –

It wasn’t on that dreadful day in January those years ago. It wasn’t a week or a month after that I realized what had truly happened to me. After all, there was a funeral to arrange and a wedding to prepare for. Too many things to keep my mind locked on what needed to be done next. The funeral was incredible with people standing out the door of the huge church. The limousine drove us down the 118 freeway that had been closed just for him. All of his wishes were fulfilled.

For the next two months there were flowers, invitations and linens to pick out. He had planned his daughter’s wedding with her and there wasn’t much left to do. Her big day came and played out perfectly. One month later I would be going to Las Vegas for my youngest son’s spontaneous marriage plans.
The sympathy cards stopped coming, the flowers were no more, the holidays slipped by, and the calls from friends and family were slowly coming to an end. It was hard to understand. That’s when my mind created a new place for me to live. It was on a sandy plain where my feet would sink up to my knees and each step was torture as I pulled my weight from the ground. There were rocks of different shapes and colors along the way. Each was placed just to block me from my road. I don’t know how long that was my home, but it seems that those wanderings through that xeric, baron land lasted longer than it should.

Could it have been yesterday or many months before that I began to listen to the person I used to be. She whispered in my ear that my life would be restored, that I still had value, my opinions do have worth, and this was not the end for me. The words she chose to describe me, ‘independent’ and ‘daring’ echoed through the room. Those fires that once burned within my heart to take a blank piece of paper and my pen to dance and play across the page to paint a picture with my words had been neglected far too long. They were no longer trapped inside a jar, but are ablaze again. How could I quarrel with what she said? I am the master of my future. I will decide.

In my mind I felt a ‘zap’, and I was feeling a peace I’ve never known. In a field of flowers and flowing grass, there was a breeze just strong enough to hold my butterfly kite with her gossamer wings suspended in the air.

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WHO SHALL I BE?

Would it be right, or would it be fair to start a new life that’s just for me? I am a MOM, but now they are grown. I was a wife, and now I’m not. At first it was a lot for my mind to take in. How could it be that I would be with me, no one else? It felt wrong to go on when they were now gone.

Years went by day after day as I tried to put the right piece in the right spot. Would I, could I feel whole once more? The pain kept me down, in my bed on most days, so it was small steps that brought me here where I am.

One day my smile came back. Then, I saw that glint in my eye. In the glass she stared, it was my face from the past. Where have you been? It has been so long. Now what are the rules? What is to come next? The doubts are so many that I feel scared.

I will start out fresh, and be a new me. What makes me happy? What speaks to my heart? I thought I’d try art with a sketch and some paint and next it was film. No. I knew it was wrong. A week or two passed then I picked up my pen. It was my best pen that I had used each day before I lost who I was in those days. I wrote with fire to take the hurt out. Then, wrote some more to bring peace to my soul. I have found where my heart is and just what I love.

One at a Time