This subject of what is more dangerous: Wanting nothing, or wanting everything is a complicated one. I definitely have times when my eyes take in the numerous items shown in order of designers that would fit perfectly in my wardrobe, or wish that a complete menu from my favorite restaurant would be ordered just for me. It takes a moment or two before realizing who is vying for control. There is a mysterious and willful little girl who lives inside my heart. She is adorable with the deepest dimples on each cheek and the sweetest blonde ringlets on her head. There were no hugs around the neck, kisses on her head, and no ‘I love you’s’ before she went to bed. Instead she was showered with money, the finest clothes, the newest electronic toys, and food from five-star restaurants. That was what this little one was given as a meager substitute.
On those days it is the adult part of me who must take charge. The first thing to be done is to let her know how loved she is by me, then explain that there are bills to pay and food to buy and that we need to be responsible and curb our appetites. There is usually a concession at about this time where I find one thing that would satisfy us both and not go in the red. I went through the majority of my adult life searching through the shopping binges, travels, and spending more than I had to fill the empty hole in my heart, all without success. The hard lesson was that money does not equal love.
What about the days when I feel especially solitary and alone? There is not one thing that can bring me happiness. I find myself apathetic about what is going on around me. I am staring in a daze down a dark, cold and massive pit where there is no life or hope. My body is weak and I give in to the quiet call of my warm, soft bed. Hunger hides from me, my mind is muddled, and I have no strength to talk. These are the most difficult days, weeks, and months to fight through.
Now that my words are down in black and white, the answer to the aforementioned question must be to want nothing. The depression that it brings is too strong an enemy to fight.
All or Nothing?